Today, in this moment, I’m devoting some mental energy to celebrating a victory, which is in and of itself another victory. Last week, two weeks in a row, I posted every day Monday through Friday. Friday was a shitty day and the last thing I wanted to think about was this silly, tiny, pointless, aimless space. I felt ashamed, embarrassed by the time wasted, the story I had been telling myself about the importance of this facet of my life. No one was watching. I walked in with the goal of posting something, literally anything, Monday through Friday. The bar was LOW. And the only person who would notice was me. I didn’t feel like it, it didn’t seem to matter, it seemed so trivial and vain.
But I did it. I forced myself to weather the resistance. I chose a photo, I wrote something. It wasn’t great, or even good, or perhaps even mediocre. I just kept a promise. What a powerful mental victory. And it felt damn good too.
Why should a promise to myself be worth any less than a promise to anyone else? Why should I be WORTH LESS than anyone else? That’s a shameful way to look at myself, to treat myself, to consider myself. Shouldn’t I keep my promises FIRST and FOREMOST to myself? Yes, I agree with that statement. It’s time I start speaking and living it. I am important. I am valuable. I am worthwhile. I deserve effort. I deserve consideration. I deserve compassion. I deserve forgiveness. I deserve love. Whoa. I am deserving. Even in my intermediary states, even when I’m coming undone, even when I’m an ass. How we behave in a moment doesn’t make us who we are. I can behave poorly at times and still be a worthwhile human. God, I really need to start believing that about myself and about others. I could stand to find ways to spread more compassion throughout my life.